My Picks for New Pope

With the retirement of Pope Benedict, there is already speculation on who will replace him...no less than 14 names have surfaced.  I present my nominees for Pope, in no certain order.

Father Guido Sarducci.

How cool would Pope Sarducci be?  A chain-smoker with tinted glasses who works as a gossip columnist and rock critic for the Vatican's newspaper.

Sister Mary Clarence.

Talk about a break with tradition.  An African-American woman and a nun.  She can bring the older Catholics and younger Catholics together.  No more with the boring Easter or Christmas Sermons.  Now we would have Easter and Christmas Concerts.

Scott "Scotty" Thomas.

He's young and wants to have sex.  Talk about a revolutionary pick.  No doubt we'd see changes to the no marriage and no sex policy.

Sister Euphemia of the Five Wounds & Sister Inviolata of the Immaculate Conception.

Again, here's a pick with a break with tradition.  Not just one nun, but two.  And not just two nuns, but two guys dressing as nuns.  Two cross-dressing nuns and two Popes at once, talk about modernizing.  You have to admit with those robes the Pope wears, he's already half-way to the cross-dressing thing.  With this pick, the Church can be said to be directly listening to the nuns, while at the same time keeping its male Pope.

In addition, they have classroom experience. Who better to teach the world about the Church?  From Nuns on the Run:

Sister Inviolata: You've got the Father, the Son and the holy ghost. But the three are one - like a shamrock, my old priest used to say. "Three leaves, but one leaf." Now, the father sent down the son, who was love, and then when he went away, he sent down the holy spirit, who came down in the form of a...

Sister Euphemia:  You told me already - a ghost.

Sister Inviolata:  No, a dove.

Sister Euphemia:  The dove was a ghost?

Sister Inviolata:  No, the ghost was a dove.

Sister Euphemia:  Let me try and summarize this: God is his son. And his son is God. But his son moonlights as a holy ghost, a holy spirit, and a dove. And they all send each other, even though they're all one and the same thing.

Sister Inviolata:  You've got it. You really could be a nun! 

Sister Luke.

A nun with a medical background who puts healing people as priority #1.  Give me the medicine and spare the sermon.  In addition, a Pope who is easy on the eyes and who has had her own doubts.  What better Pope than one who can speak to her own struggles?

Maria, i.e., Maria von Trapp.

Like with Sister Mary Clarence, here we would get a Pope who would spice up those boring sermons.  Imagine a Pope who just spontaneously goes out on a mountain top and sings.  The sisters in her convent even tell us what a down-to-Earth person she is.

Sister Mary Regina, Sister Mary Hubert, Sister Mary Amnesia, Sister Robert Anne, and Sister Mary Leo.

The cast of Nunsense.  If you thought one singing nun was great, here's an entire cast.  They can sing and have a sense of humor.  You could have the first girl group of Popes.  Pope Mary Regina and her Sisters.  Talk about marketing.

Sister Bertille.

You thought a chain-smoking Pope was cool?  You thought a singing nun was great?  Well how about a Flying Nun as Pope?

Mother Superior from The Trouble with Angels and Where Angels Go, Trouble Follows.

A nun/Pope who has dealt with youth and knows how surround herself with an eclectic bunch of fellow nuns.  Requirement, this Pope must appoint Mary Clancy and Rachel Devery to something within the Vatican.

Monsignor Martinez.

Anyone who watched King of the Hill, knows this Pope would be an action-packed Pope.  Talk about spicing up the Papcy.  Explosive entrances and fighting sequences.  And he'd be a Pope with a signature catch-phrase, "Vaya con Dios."